“I hear you.”
“That must be so hard.”
“You’re so brave for speaking up.”

These are phrases I’ve heard countless times from MPs, policymakers, and service leads. They land gently, like the comforting touch of a hand on your shoulder—but too often, they’re followed by silence, inaction, or performative promises that quietly disappear.

As disabled people, we’re encouraged—sometimes even begged—to “share our stories” so that services can understand us better. But too often, the people listening aren’t preparing to act—they’re performing empathy. And when you see no change come from your honesty, when the conversation ends and the same inaccessible systems grind on… it hurts.

That hurt has a name: empathy fatigue.

What Is Empathy Fatigue?

Empathy fatigue isn’t just exhaustion from being on the receiving end of too much sympathy. It’s the burnout that sets in when you keep pouring your truth into spaces that promise change, but deliver none. When “being heard” becomes a dead end instead of a doorway. When your pain becomes content for consultation reports, and little more.

It’s not that we don’t want to be heard. It’s that we want to be heard and respected. We want our voices to be catalysts, not confessions.

Performative Listening vs. Real Accountability

Here’s the difference:

• Performative listening validates you in the moment but requires nothing in return. It’s all nods and “thank you for sharing,” but no follow-up, no power shift, no funding reallocation, no policy amendment.

• Real accountability means the system takes what we’ve said and does something with it. It means disabled people aren’t just voices on a panel—we’re co-authors of the blueprint.

The Cost of Constant Advocacy

We often talk about the importance of lived experience—but rarely the emotional labour behind it. Every time we relive trauma for someone else’s understanding, we’re spending energy we might not have. And when nothing changes? It reinforces a brutal message: you’re allowed to be heard, but not to be powerful.

And that’s a heavy thing to carry—especially when you’re already navigating a world that wasn’t built for you.

The Psychology of Performance: Why They Say the Right Things but Do Nothing

“Moral licensing” is the idea that people feel good about doing small symbolic actions and then avoid taking bigger, more meaningful ones. In politics, it often shows up in statements like, “I really admire how resilient you are.” While it sounds empathetic, it’s often used to avoid addressing the root causes of what actually disables us—poverty, inaccessibility, discrimination, and systemic neglect.

“Gaslighting by omission” happens when someone hears your experience but fails to validate it with action. By definition, gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into questioning your reality or memory. In disability advocacy, it often takes a subtler form: gaslighting through silence or inaction.
For example, in recent months when raising concerns about cuts to disability benefits, we’ve been met with responses like “We’re doing the best we can,” or “We’ve inherited a massive deficit.” These phrases are used to deflect responsibility, positioning our legitimate concerns as an emotional weight they must bear, rather than a call to action.

“Charity model vs. rights model” – Performative empathy often stems from the charity model. The charity model frames disabled people as objects of pity, with support offered as a generous act. In contrast, the rights model says we are entitled to access, dignity, autonomy, and justice. Support is not a favour—it is a legal and moral obligation. Inclusion isn’t something we should be grateful for. It’s the bare minimum.

So What Can We Do? Coping & Collective Care

Here are a few things that have helped me, and might help you too:

1. Set Boundaries with Your Advocacy

You don’t have to say yes to every panel, every email, every MP meeting. You don’t owe your story to systems that haven’t earned your trust. “No” is advocacy, too.

2. Ask for Action, Not Just Acknowledgment

When you do speak, be clear: What will change as a result of this conversation? Who is responsible for that change? When will I hear back? If they can’t answer—reconsider engaging.

3. Lean Into Community, Not Just Consultation

There’s healing in being heard by each other. Whether it’s online groups, grassroots orgs, or mutual aid spaces, community care is real. We hold each other up while the system catches up (if it ever does).

4. Document Everything

Keep receipts. Meeting notes, promises made, who said what and when. Not only does this protect you, it builds evidence. If they ghost you, you’ve got proof it wasn’t a “misunderstanding.”

5. Celebrate Rest as Resistance

Capitalism wants us to be constantly productive—even in our activism. But rest is powerful. Stepping back doesn’t make you less committed; it makes you sustainable.

Final Thought: We Deserve More Than Lip Service

Empathy without action is empty. It performs concern but preserves power. If policymakers truly care, they’ll stop centring our suffering and start centring our solutions. We’ve done our part—it’s their move now.

Until then, we’ll continue building what they refuse to.

Together. Loudly. And on our own terms.